Saturday, July 26, 2008

Gold Nuggets

These last 3 weeks have been tough. I am not sure what triggered it all off but I have been grieving what Matt isn’t and there have been some really low moments. I feel like for now this season of grieving has come to an end and I have let go of some hopes and dreams and I feel like I can embrace Matt for who he is. I have no doubt that in months and years to come more grieving will be required of me.

I am delighted to discover that I have gained some gold nuggets through this time of trial.

Gold nugget: I have started to be authentic and open about my pain with my broader group of friends.

Gold nugget:
Many of my friends have breathed a sigh of relief at my openness rather than feeling awkward and running from me (as I had half expected)

Gold nugget: I realized that many of my friends have been wanting to reach out to me but didn’t know how. In the past I only shared honestly about Matt is people asked directly for fear of inflicting people with sharing they did not want. My holding back meant others held back – we are now finding each other. And it’s good.

Gold nugget: I learnt that if I am putting on a brave face it denies people the opportunity to encourage, love and comfort me. I am learning to recognize my need and to express that need. I have been blown away
by people’s genuine care.

With all these gold nuggets I feel RICH and BLESSED.

And ironically, it took a time of deep pain and grieving to discover these gifts.


Cindy said...

Wow, Jacqui! How succinctly you've put what you've discovered in the past three weeks. Praise God that He has brought you through this and shown you His love through your friends.

I completely agree that people (including me!) often want to help, but don't know how if they/we haven't been in the situation the other is going through.

Both Matt and his parents will gain so much from your openness. AND your friends will gain so much from being allowed to walk a part of this walk with you.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

You are strong to see the good that has come out of your grief.
Even though we are an ocean apart write me anytime you want to grieve with someone who feels it too. Im so glad though, that your friends have been so loving, and you are able to open up to them.

Nicole, Graeme and Janel said...

Hey Jax
Ditto with our experience of losing Zoe. We found that people wanted to ask about her, and talk about her, but didn't want to start the conversation for fear of hurting us or upsetting us. The more open we've been, the more others have been able to help us.

carina said...

You are on your way to acceptance. It doesn't happen overnight and one of the things I have realised is that when you ask for help, you get it. Period. Your friends will support you, because they love you - they still see you as who you where before Matt. You are just becoming the improved you by living with Matt. The friends you lose along the way, were only given to you for a season or a reason. The ones who stay, is the ones who you can count on. On a lighter note, every time I see his little face, I get a smile on mine. He really is the sweetest little thing.

Valerie said...

Hello! I discovered your blog completely by accident, but what a wonderful accident. Your little Matt is absolutely adorable, and his smile just captured my heart. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog, and your perspectives are so interesting to me. I teach special education, and it's very rare that I am given the opportunity to see how the family works and what the parents think and feel. It's amazing, and I must say, your story has been very inspirational. Thank you for sharing your life and your wonderful little boy for all of us to read! It's been a true blessing.

~Valerie Reinhard
Oregon, USA

bridge said...

Aren't these great comments, I feel inadequate - can't really match them. It IS hard to know how to talk about this because of all the things you mentioned and I feel a bit guilty almost for having a 'regular' baby and therefore unable to identify.

Some day you'll turn your blog into a best seller to inspire even more people!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jax,

Thanks for writing a great blog. As a friend of yours for many years, I must apologise for not being as supportive as I could have been. It's so easy to get wrapped in your own life (particurly when young and single:) so I'd definitely like to make more of an effort and be less selfish. Maybe I can start by babysitting one night for you and Lloyd?
Love Mikey