Thursday, May 1, 2014

Sometimes my heart breaks


Sometimes I can see he just doesn’t understand

I explain but my words don’t bring any light

He remains in the dark

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I can see he is frustrated

He throws a toy, he pushes his brother, he hits a friend in the face

I don’t know why

He doesn’t have the words to tell me

I remain in the dark

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I don’t understand his world

What makes him really mad seems insignificant to me

What makes him so happy seems trivial to me

We look at each other from opposite sides of a mirror

Only seeing  the reflection of our own confusion

Not seeing each other

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I have to just let me hands fall at my side and hang my head

Because I don’t know how to help him

Because I don’t know how to reach him

Because I don’t know how to understand him

I only know that I am a powerless parent

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes – not all the time, not every day, not even every week, but sometimes…my heart  just breaks.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote this poem last night. I needed an outlet for the pain and frustration I was feeling in my parenting of Matt. Today is already a better day, I have had bonding moments with Matt that have connected us, we have understood each other on other levels. Though the frustration does remain, it is not as intense. I felt I should share it as part of my commitment to authenticity and recognising that life with someone who has RTS is not easy, rewarding yes, but not easy.