Thursday, May 1, 2014

Sometimes my heart breaks


Sometimes I can see he just doesn’t understand

I explain but my words don’t bring any light

He remains in the dark

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I can see he is frustrated

He throws a toy, he pushes his brother, he hits a friend in the face

I don’t know why

He doesn’t have the words to tell me

I remain in the dark

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I don’t understand his world

What makes him really mad seems insignificant to me

What makes him so happy seems trivial to me

We look at each other from opposite sides of a mirror

Only seeing  the reflection of our own confusion

Not seeing each other

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes I have to just let me hands fall at my side and hang my head

Because I don’t know how to help him

Because I don’t know how to reach him

Because I don’t know how to understand him

I only know that I am a powerless parent

And my heart breaks

 

Sometimes – not all the time, not every day, not even every week, but sometimes…my heart  just breaks.
 
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I wrote this poem last night. I needed an outlet for the pain and frustration I was feeling in my parenting of Matt. Today is already a better day, I have had bonding moments with Matt that have connected us, we have understood each other on other levels. Though the frustration does remain, it is not as intense. I felt I should share it as part of my commitment to authenticity and recognising that life with someone who has RTS is not easy, rewarding yes, but not easy.
 

5 comments:

Gena Hudson said...

thank you for sharing, you are not alone!!

Anonymous said...

great that you shared that. you are certainly not alone. i can substitute "him" with "her" and that is 100% how Jamie is in our family at times.
but wouldnt change her for anything

africanlightphotography said...

Wow, really powerfully and beautifully expressed Jacqui. God holds your heart and Matt's heart very close.

S@BS said...

Hey Jacqui, when I read this my heart broke as well and I know that the two of you (Lloyd & you) are the most courageous and incredible people I know. I have no idea of what you are going through (I can't even begin to imagine it) but one thing I know, Mathew couldn't have chosen a warm and loving family as yours. So when those days come (where both you and Matt find each other) know that better is one day in your presents and sight than a thousand else where. We love you Jacqui.

Caroline Taylor said...

Hi Jacqui & Lloyd, I have only just discovered your blog - and how happy I am to have done so! It was forwarded to me by another parent who is currently exploring the next steps of a tough inclusion journey. Your poem says it all Jacqui! With your permission I would like to put the link onto IEWC's facebook page where it will hopefully touch a whole lot of others in the same way it has me!! Best wishes, Caroline