I had spent most of Saturday night in tears – I can’t pinpoint what was making my heart hurt. Was it that I had been contemplating this “retard” word and what it might mean for Matt’s life (see previous post)? Was it the very healthy conversation that I had had that afternoon with a good friend about her children and how I feel when I am around her typically developing children? For some reason all these things really affected me and I felt really sad. I haven’t been this sad in a long while. In fact I was so sad that on the Saturday night I stayed away from attending a friend’s 21st birthday party – I just couldn’t face putting on a “happy face” and pretending like everything was fine. So I stayed at home and had a good chat and cry with Lloyd – he is a very good listener.
On Sunday morning I woke up feeling a little better but I still felt like I had this shadow hanging over my heart. I knew that the only way I could find peace was to get to that place where I truly believed that God loves Matt more than I do, and that God will watch over Matt in ways that I can’t.
So there we were on the floor in our church. Other toddlers and their parents hang out there too. Half an hour into the service Matt shows me the sign for “eat”. I then realised that I had left his snack biscuits at home. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t have anything for him, but he didn’t really understand. He just kept repeating the sign and looking at me with his big eyes wondering why I was not responding with food. I felt like a really bad mom and this - added to my other feelings of sorrow - meant I was fighting back tears.
About 5 minutes later another little boy comes over to play with Matt. And before I know it he pulls out a little packet of 3 biscuits. He opens it and promptly offers Matt one. Matt accepts it with delight. I was so moved by this little boy’s action – he did it completely on his own, without any adult telling him to “be good and share you biscuit”
You need to understand that at my church there is a huge mix of people from different backgrounds – racial, language and economic. I know that this little boy’s mom is unemployed and she joined our church through attending the HIV AIDS support group. I know this little boy’s life is not easy. I wonder if what he shared with Matt was his breakfast for the day. Yet God moved his heart to share what he had in order to meet Matt’s need.
That gives me so much hope for Matt’s future. This little boy’s act of kindness has shown me that there is humanity and generosity in the most unexpected places. I felt like God was showing me that He will provide for Matt in the moments that I can’t, because He really does love Matt with a love that I cannot grasp. Something inside me was healed, the sorrow lifted and my hope was restored.