Friday, August 27, 2010
Reflecting back - our pregnancy
I haven't written much about our pregnancy journey in the last few months. Each day required a an intentional and conscious holding onto God's gift of peace and refusing to let fear to root itself in my heart. The threat of losing our second twin was constantly looming in the background. Reflecting and writing about the process was just too taxing. Every day, from the day our one twin died at 19 weeks until we reached 30 weeks, Lloyd and I lit a candle to thank God for keeping our other baba safe, and we asked for just one more day. That is how we lived - day by day.
Weeks passed and the threat of prematurity diminished. We celebrated that our baby remained safe in my womb. Yet our peace was still threatened - a different fear: that this baba may be born with abnormalities. I felt guilty having this fear, as I felt like I was betraying Matt in some way. I love Matt and who he is, I don't despise the fact that he has a syndrome. Yet I was not sure I could manage a second kid with a syndrome.
We had decided not to have any genetic screening tests or scans during the pregnancy. It is very seldom that these tests give a definitive diagnosis, mostly one walks away with a probability or statistic. We couldn't face living with such an uncertainty again. It was torturous during our pregnancy with Matt. So we chose to wait until the baby was born and then if something was wrong, we could deal with it as a definite. However this did mean we had no idea what was in store for us when baba was born.
Lloyd was studying for his neonatal subspeciality exams in August. The text book from which he studied was called "The Diseases of the Newborn" - over a thousand pages of all the things that can go wrong with new borns. Not an easy topic to study when your wife is in her third trimester.
We did not always manage to live in that place of peace every moment and every day. There were times when the fear would almost choke the breath out of my lungs. There were, however moments, by God's grace where despite the possible threats to the safety and health of our baba, we still experienced joy and delight of life.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7