Monday, May 3, 2010

Saying goodbye

Today we went back to the gynae. I explained that I needed to check to see if my baby was really dead, that I couldn't believe it to be real. I also wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.
The scan showed me a little girl lying very still in my womb, the heart was still quiet, and clearly her spirit was safely with Jesus. I can't explain the peace that descended on me. On Sunday Lloyd and I had been in a dedication service for 2 kids - there they had read the story of when Jesus rebuked the disciples for shooing the children away. The words about how Jesus drew the children to himeself, embracing them, came to my mind in the scanning room. I knew my little girl was with the One who is Love.
I didn't feel angry about the loss, just disappointed - because I won't get to meet this little one face to face, and to share the life that she might have had. I also felt sad for the other baby who will not know his or her sister.
Our other baby has grown since the scan on Thursday and is a bundle of life and energy and movement.
The threat of premature labour looms like a dark shadow over the life that is in my womb. We would love your prayers for this baby to be able to stay in for as long as possible.

In the midst of everything I am deeply thankful for Lloyd and for all those who have prayed for our marriage during this tough season. We are walking very closely. I must say that I don't think I have every been more in love with Lloyd. He has risen up as a man of tender courage and gentle strength, allowing me to process things differently from him and yet never making me feel foolish. He has been processing his own pain and has kept me close to his heart without withdrawing - sharing his journey with words and tears. He has shown love and tenderness to Matt despite the grief in his heart.

I am also deeply thankful that during this time I have felt God's love in a tangible way. On Thursday night, after we received the news, a whole bunch of our friends came around in the evening to pray with us. The love and care in that room was so deep and rich. On Friday I received a message from a distant friend, who is living in Hawaii and who would have had no knowledge of our loss. She felt God remind her to pray for me on that Thursday, and that God wanted to affirm my mother's heart for me children. I was so comforted by the knowledge that God had spoken to her about me on that very day of my loss.

So now I start the grieving process...of saying goodbye to our tiny precious girl.
And also the journey of readjusting my plans...for the nursery, for the pram, for the car, for our lives...

and the journey of allowing new plans to form.

13 comments:

Craig, Taryn and our blessings said...

oh Jax - heart breaking! (((hugs))) with tears and a quiet knowledge that He is sovereign.

Kate L said...

Hello Jacqui
You don't know me but I remember you from school - I was a year ahead. I've been reading your blog for a while and have been so encouraged by your close walk with Jesus. I read your previous post this morning and have been praying for you and your family since then. I will keep praying. How wonderful that you are still thankful. You and your husband are a wonderful testimony of God's very real grace.
Love Kate

Cindy said...

Praying, Jacqui and Lloyd, with tears in my eyes. And a heavy heart, but knowing you will meet your daughter one day.

Brandi said...

Jacqui,

Although I can't relate to carrying twins and losing one of them, I can relate to miscarriage. It is one of the deepest sorrows I have ever felt. However, time and healing changed things and I now think of them as they are in heaven...singing, playing and whole!

I am encouraged by your honesty, strength and faith as you and your family continue down this road. I will keep your family in my heart and pray for continued healing and strength.

Terri H-E said...

Jacqui - you have my thoughts, prayers and love. I am so sorry for your family.

You say goodbye and my babies say hello to your daughter, for they are in the same place. She is surrounded, you know.

Take care of yourself.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

I dont have the right words.
I love you friend.
Im crying for you.
You are my heart....

Sawyer said...

Jacqui- I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family. I know you will meet your daughter one day.

Kerri H said...

Jackie...so sorry to hear of your loss....I hope you know you are surrounded by much love and support..we are all thinking of you...hugs!!!

Christine said...

Jacqui,

You and LLoyd are in my thoughts and prayers. I too have a heavy heart, such sad news but your baby girl is in Heaven. I lost my little one in September at 12 weeks and the sorrow and heartaches were so deep. I have a charm on my bracelet that I see everyday that helps me remember my little one. It helped me grieve the loss and allowed me to move on

I am thrilled to hear that Baby B is doing well. i will continue to pray for that Baby and your family.

Take care of yourself Jacqui. Sending you bug hugs!

Kelly said...

Jacqui, So sad to hear of your loss. Thinking of you and your family. Hugs, Kelly F

Kristi said...

Jacqui,
I am also praying for you and the babies. I feel so sad for you as you start the grieving process. Sending you a hug from Florida.. Did you get it?

Leza said...

Jax and Lloyd,

I'm so sorry to read about the loss you've experienced in this past week. No words can offer enough comfort but I pray that our Lord draws even closer to you than ever before at this time.

We are praying that Baby B continues to thrive till his/her due date and beyond.

Much love to you all from both J and me.

Jodie means Grace of God said...

Jacqui and LLoyd and Matt, We love you and pray for you every day.