Saying goodbye

Today we went back to the gynae. I explained that I needed to check to see if my baby was really dead, that I couldn't believe it to be real. I also wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.

The scan showed me a little girl lying very still in my womb, the heart was still quiet, and clearly her spirit was safely with Jesus. I can't explain the peace that descended on me. On Sunday Lloyd and I had been in a dedication service for 2 kids - there they had read the story of when Jesus rebuked the disciples for shooing the children away. The words about how Jesus drew the children to himeself, embracing them, came to my mind in the scanning room. I knew my little girl was with the One who is Love.

I didn't feel angry about the loss, just disappointed - because I won't get to meet this little one face to face, and to share the life that she might have had. I also felt sad for the other baby who will not know his or her sister.

Our other baby has grown since the scan on Thursday and is a bundle of life and energy and movement.

The threat of premature labour looms like a dark shadow over the life that is in my womb. We would love your prayers for this baby to be able to stay in for as long as possible.

In the midst of everything I am deeply thankful for Lloyd and for all those who have prayed for our marriage during this tough season. We are walking very closely. I must say that I don't think I have every been more in love with Lloyd. He has risen up as a man of tender courage and gentle strength, allowing me to process things differently from him and yet never making me feel foolish. He has been processing his own pain and has kept me close to his heart without withdrawing - sharing his journey with words and tears. He has shown love and tenderness to Matt despite the grief in his heart.

I am also deeply thankful that during this time I have felt God's love in a tangible way. On Thursday night, after we received the news, a whole bunch of our friends came around in the evening to pray with us. The love and care in that room was so deep and rich. On Friday I received a message from a distant friend, who is living in Hawaii and who would have had no knowledge of our loss. She felt God remind her to pray for me on that Thursday, and that God wanted to affirm my mother's heart for me children. I was so comforted by the knowledge that God had spoken to her about me on that very day of my loss.

So now I start the grieving process...of saying goodbye to our tiny precious girl.

And also the journey of readjusting my plans...for the nursery, for the pram, for the car, for our lives...

and the journey of allowing new plans to form.